posted 06-09-2015 09:24 PM                  

I love the first one!!

Retired Person's Perspective

A FEW MUSINGS FROM “THE HOME”

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

posted 09-24-2016 08:43 PM                  

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
2. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
3. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
4. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
5. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me !
6. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a short vacation.
7. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
9. The kids text me "plz", which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
10. I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.
11. Even duct tape can't fix stupidity - but it can muffle the sound !
12. Why do I have to "Press One for English" when they're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
13. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.