In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

Slap On A Train
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

The Ticket Dodgers
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.

posted 10-10-2005 11:43 AM         

The pope is in Aberdeen on his tour of Scotland.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there
was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed
to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed,
just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football
jersey struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a
twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish
football tops roared into view from around the lighthouse.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the
shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out
and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long
clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat
along with the dead shark and were preparing for a hasty retreat
when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course
the Pope - he was summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching the
shore they were greeted by His Holiness who was in raptures about
the rescue and said,

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that
there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland
and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not
true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of
racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations
could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that??"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "that may be but he knows **** all
about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up?"