posted 04-29-2004 10:15 AM         

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been
invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing
animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of the conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by
showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing,
fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal
movement.

Later, some of the liberals actually became women. Liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and
democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the
conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that
time because most of them were still women back then, and the
conservatives fed them. Conservatives are symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the
*******. Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most
prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal
menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like
deviant sex and want others to like it too.

Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in
baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A
hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands,
and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might
locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumb*tch ain't
been born yet".

Author Unknown (but respected)