posted 01-07-2004 07:55 PM         

The former Black Sabbath frontman and bat botherer was saved by his bodyguard Sam Ruston, who gave the singer mouth-to-mouth when he stopped breathing.

Oswald suffered eight broken ribs, a punctured lung, a shattered collarbone, a crushed vertebra in his neck, a squashed packet of Benson & Hedges and a substantial loss of loose change after his tumble. Sam Ruston suffered second-degree burns to his lips and a substantial phallic swelling.

The 55-year-old Brummie hell-raiser admitted that the crash had finally made him "get a good night's sleep." Oswald spent eight days in a coma after the accident, although this is thought to be the result of a severe beating by a Brummie-hating paramedic after a random allegation by a random source close to the Osbournes.

Buckinghamshire Ambulance Service were unavailable for comment today but released the following statement: "We can neither confirm nor deny that a Buckinghamshire paramedic repeatedly beat Mr Osbourne over the head and upper body with an ECG monitor, although I can confirm that we are today launching an appeal for a new ECG monitor."

Osbourne's high-profile tumble has brought the issue of quad bike safety to the public eye. Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents said, "Mr Osbourne has highlighted the dangers of quad biking whilst not wearing a crash helmet, and I urge all of those who engage in this dangerous activity to take the necessary precautions and ensure they have a bodyguard nearby."

Gregory T Mullet, founder of the Quad Bike Owners Club of South Shields, countered Mr Ramsbottom's outburst by raising the middle finger on his left hand and stating the word "arse." He continued, "Quad biking, or quad biking as I like to call it, is twice as safe as normal biking, there are twice as many wheels you see."