posted 11-19-2004 09:48 AM         

JOE BLUNDO

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified in the past week,
sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the
illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the
exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill
O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see
dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists
and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there
was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said
Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders
North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he
left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush
Limbaugh across the fields.

''Not real effective," he said. ''The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they
wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers
who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them
into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the
border and leave them to fend for themselves.

''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. ''I
found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,
though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often wailing loudly that they fear
retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to
drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned
to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus
trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After
catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in
powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers.

''If they can't identify the accordion player on The
Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their
age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage
and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident
said. ''How many art-history majors does one country
need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United
States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with
the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals,
a source close to Cheney said.

''We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary
concerts. And we might put some endangered species on
postage stamps. The president is determined to reach
out."