posted 09-21-2002 03:03 AM         

1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing your robe and with a towel on your head.
If you happen to see your husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to the bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower-once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.
11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again has been EATING your Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).
13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.
14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off. 16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

How to Shower Like a Man: