posted 03-12-2002 07:04 AM         

Olympic Skating

The Olympic skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again.

Up went the marks of the judges.
Great Britain 0.0
Germany 0.0
France 0.0
Ireland 3.4
'Why the score of 3.4?' asked the other officials.
'Well,' said Judge Murphy, 'You've gotto make allowances. I mean it was terrible slippy out there!'

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At The Time of the Accident

'At the time of the accident you were in charge of the one-man bus?' asked the judge.
'I was indeed your honour,' replied Casey. 'Can you tell the court what happened?' 'I can't sir,' said Casey, 'because at the time I was upstairs collecting the fares!'

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Job Interview

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.' Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

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Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

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Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

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Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"