Author

Topic:   CARBOHYDRATIC = Funny

BeWare Prowler Junkie Posts: 18511 From: Acworth,GA,USA Registered: JUL 2000

posted 07-01-2004 08:43 AM          MY NAME IS DAVE AND I'M A CARBOHYDRATIC > > > I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my > generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking > about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used > aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We > bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings > such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER." But for sheer insanity the > wildest thing we did was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately > ingested carbohydrates. I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young > and foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, > and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record > playing. > > And then, when the mood was right, somebody would say "You want do some > 'drates?" And the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels > going around, or crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things > into our mouths and just EAT them. My only excuse was that we were > ignorant. It's not like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates > are, and virtually every product is advertised as being "low-carb," > including beer, denture adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and > Viagra. Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us > bread! Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all > carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery of a midtown > Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man > armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. ("Do what he says! He has > pasta!") The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month > because of reports - false; thank heavens - that terrorists had put a > bagel in the water supply. > > But as I say, in the old days we believed that the reason you got fat was > from eating "calories," which are tiny units of measurement that cause > food to taste good. When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie > diets in which we ate only inedible foods such as celery which is actually > a building material. The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a > normal human could stick to it for, at most, four hours, at which point he > or she would have no biological choice but to sneak out to the garage and > snork down an entire bag of Snickers, sometimes without removing the > wrappers. So nobody lost weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time. > Many people, in desperation, turned to Disco. > > But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet, > Dr. Something Atkins. Dr. Atkins discovered an amazing thing - Calories > don't matter! What does matter are carbohydrates, which result when a > carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high speeds and form tiny > invisible doughnuts. Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that as long as you > avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt, eat high-fat, > high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You > could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed > to bread. > > At first, like other grounding pioneers such as Galileo and Eminem, Dr. > Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The Celery Growers > Association hired a detective to - yes - stalk him. His car tires were > repeatedly slashed by what police determined to be shards of Melba toast. > But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream - a dream that, some day, > he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books. And he > did, achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an > incident that the autopsy report listed as "totally unrelated to the > undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found in his stomach." But the > Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose weight. The > irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans, who have, as > a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as far > inland as Denver. Which can only mean on thing....You people are still > sneaking Snickers. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more???? > > > > > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami > Herald. >

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