posted 06-18-2004 12:10 AM         

You live in Arizona when:

1. You're willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town (Phoenix).
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when..

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Pennsylvania when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

posted 06-22-2004 07:05 PM         

I always send this to my relatives prior to their visit !

Welcome to IL
Rules for Tourists coming to Illinois

Don ' t order steak or pasta primavera at Denny 's. It's a diner.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you
upset the cooks in the kitchen they will kick your *** .

Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St.Elmo, Gays,
Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Ashkum, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have
to kick your *** .

Don 't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don ' t refer to us as
Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your *** .

We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. We admit to
small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do
that we would kick her *** .

Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that
inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can't be bad. And in Chicago don' t
point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your *** .

We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we will kick your *** .

Don't order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or
pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your *** .

Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don ' t have an accent. If you
say we do then we will have to kick your *** .

Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from
because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hell-holes like
Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. If you don't
like it here, O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your *** on home before it
gets kicked.

Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees.
If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your *** all the way back to
San Francisco.

Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny.
Doing it will get your *** kicked.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of
gangsters. This will get your *** shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention
this and you will be wearing cement shoes in the bottom of the Chicago river.

Now then welcome to Illinois, enjoy your visit, spend your money and then go
home.