posted 05-18-2004 09:13 PM         

For the sake of safety, when driving and talking on your cell phone, set your cruise control for 10 mph.

If you are concerned about the environment, register your support for our planet's ecology by having at least 25 pro-environment bumper stickers on your half rust-half primer paint '73 Volkswagen Beetle. (That hole in the trunk can be covered with a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker, if so desired).

Never attempt to make a turn at a speed of higher than 0.01 mph.

Have a mechanic remove that useless and annoying turn signal stick from your steering wheel column.

Replace your factory headlights with 1000 watt mini-floods.

Respect other motorists and pedestrians by not playing your radio any higher than 2000 decibels.

Come to almost a complete stop in the regular traffic lane before inching -- SLOWLY! -- into the turn lane.

When merging with other traffic, be sure to pick one vehicle and match its speed exactly, neither moving ahead of nor falling behind it, even as the two lanes occupied by you and the other motorist become one.

Always park next to and within about 4 inches of my car. NOTE: This is especially important in an all-but-deserted parking lot!

Do whatever you have to do to get ahead of me. Pass on the shoulder of the road. Pass in the center turn lane. No matter the danger, no matter the risk, in the name of all that's holy, get the hell around and in front of me...then 5 seconds later slow down and make a turn.