posted 03-22-2004 10:18 PM         

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here"

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

8. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, I
was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Nobody could figure out
what they saw in each other.
(The kids were nothing to look at either.)

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

posted 03-22-2004 11:23 PM         

Herman's Hermits = "Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely walker"

The Bee Gees = "How can you mend a broken hip"

Bobby Darin = "Splish, splash, I was havin' a flash"

Ringo Starr = "I get by with a little help from Depends"

Roberta Flack = " The first time ever I forgot your face"

Johnny Nash = "I can't see clearly now"

Paul Simon = "Fifty ways to lose your liver"

Commodores = "Once, twice, three times the bathroom"

Marvin Gaye = "I heard it through the Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem = " A whiter shade of hair"

Leo Sayer = "You make me feel like napping"

The Temptations = "Papa's got a kidney stone"

ABBA = "Denture Queen"

I got this one from Sue or Lee Schaeffer "Roarin"

posted 03-22-2004 11:28 PM         

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled:

Survivor, Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana.
Finally ending up back in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and
I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!