posted 12-17-2003 04:02 PM         

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal?"

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

11. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.

12. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America?

13. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

14. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

15. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.