posted 11-16-2005 12:03 PM         

Texas Chili

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
reaction of the first two judges , the reaction of the third is even better.

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy $hit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $hit-faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.bitch is
starting to look HOT (just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.) Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat's pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $hit myself when I farted and I'm worried it'll
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like $hit
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
# 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili.