posted 11-05-2005 06:14 AM         

the guy who wrote this is one cynical son-of-a-b!tch. but some of it is kinda funny.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a
whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky ba$tards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a$$
will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive f*rting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't care in the first place.

quote:

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Originally posted by Bcoffman Gray Ghost:

Subject: Fw: New Rules

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

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Ghostman these are outstanding !!

The first time i saw one of these bathroom dudes was in Dallas... I was drunk so this really didn't make any sense... then i sobered up and still didn't understand. I just can't immagine what you would tell your kids what you did for a living....
geeze, the things people do for $

posted 11-05-2005 08:01 AM         

Well Coffeeman,,,you've done it! This new rule exposes Ed for what he is. Time to exit the closet Monahan, lol.

"New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky ba$tards."

Exactly,,,,why I always call Halicat a lucky bastad

"New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands."

Finally,,,,,,,,,,Fat Pat may need to find another occupation other than watching the hangers and shakers, lol

"New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done."

Catwoman - I'll say no more

posted 11-05-2005 08:13 AM         

quote:

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Originally posted by ALLEY CAT:

Catwoman - I'll say no more

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