posted 10-31-2005 11:25 AM         

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign,
the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled
high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to
come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would
you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his
wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes.

They were seated immediately.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand. The guest in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get
used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket,
and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like
them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader,
and a great family man.

"Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up,
he asks the Lord."God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have
to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should\
I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out
and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"