posted 06-08-2005 06:20 AM         

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop
and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30
seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for
the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or
she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its
original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You
only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with
a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.