posted 04-15-2005 09:43 AM         

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark
Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho
Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa
Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine