posted 04-12-2005 10:54 AM         

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound
mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their
lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask
for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't do so ever again. When
such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a
special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the
health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a
permanent coma and who nonetheless may be in need of nourishment.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I
don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for
their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play
politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or crusade
on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his
or her existence a living hell.