posted 03-04-2005 03:56 PM
You want to sit where:
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where
would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." She answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
________________________________
Show and Tell:
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class
that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
______________________________
The Best Way To Pray:
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is
definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer
position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin'
upside down from a telephone pole."
____________________________
Waking Up for Church:
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it
was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons." He said. "One, they don't like me, and
two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD
go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"
____________________________
The Twenty and the One:
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along
the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been
to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York,
performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
________________________________
Goat for Dinner:
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While
they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son
what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as
good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
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posted 03-04-2005 03:56 PM
