posted 02-28-2005 11:34 AM         

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a
nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park;
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took
her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his
wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it
like being six again?"

posted 03-02-2005 06:01 PM         

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly
stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

posted 03-02-2005 09:15 PM         

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw a $20,even thought it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs...

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has 5 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE (Too true to be considered humorous)

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed (or so they think)

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING -- Ah children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secrets, fears, hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware that there are short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Any married man should forget his mistakes.There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, *******es and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"