posted 02-10-2005 10:06 AM         

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application.
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

quote:

---

Originally posted by KenG:
While the letter is funny....I find it hard to believe that a 96 year old woman has a "salary, a cell phone and a computer" Most 96 year old women barely know what an answering machine is.

---

I noticed that too....

posted 02-11-2005 07:22 AM         

You want me to pay my monthly premium? I'm sorry, you'll need to get a prior authorization for that.

posted 02-11-2005 08:55 AM         

As far as the reference to computers and cell phones. Well, for years I had a beware of dog sign on my gate at home, but never had a dog

posted 02-11-2005 10:25 AM         

quote:

---

Most 96 year old women barely know what an answering machine is.

---

Does that include 96 year old men too? I wouldn't be so sure about that........there are plenty of people that age that are pretty sharp! I have an 89 year old Aunt who has a cellphone, a computer (which her granddaughter and great-grandaughter gave her so they could keep in touch by email. She is in MI and they live in FL). I supposed you could count Social Security as a "salary".....but I have to tell you...this woman is as sharp as they come..........and she's got the greatest sense of humor of anyone I know. She lives here in MI in a town called Edmore....she prefers to call it Deadmore........she says there's nothin' goin' on there!