posted 02-03-2005 09:18 AM         

1. NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, "Mom! That ! lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2. HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, cause it> fell in the toilet a few days ago."

3. OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

4. KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Th! en she added,
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting
the
bottle."

5. MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?"

6. POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" " Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well,
then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you pl! ease
tie my shoe?"

7. POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

8. ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
"The tooth fairy will never ! believe this!"

9. DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."

10. DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of
the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always
said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather,and unto the Sonnn,! and into the
>hole
he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
> > and they won't let me talk!"

12. BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the
boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the
young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."