posted 01-22-2005 11:06 AM         

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

A doctor, a pastor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know,! but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer; the nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:

An artist, an architect, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress!

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay for a week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Understanding Engineers - Take Ten:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says:

"Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above
this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between
58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost."

The man below replies, "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

posted 01-22-2005 12:51 PM         

Here's a few more ...

Engineering Pick-up Lines

You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

You're sweeter than glucose.

The Six Rules of Civil Engineering

If it moves, it's broke.
You can't push on a rope.
Water runs downhill and stands in low places.
F=ma.
Dirt plus water makes mud.
If in doubt, increase the safety factor.

Scene: public executions by guillotine Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine... First condemned person steps up, a

minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardoned. Second condemned person

is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardoned. Third

condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."

YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER...
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you want an 500X CD-ROM for Christmas

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

IIf your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers
10. - The world does revolve around us... we choose the coordinate system.

9. - No "couple" enjoy a better "moment".

8. - We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.

7. - We have significant figures.

6. - EK301: The motion of rigid bodies.

5. - Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?

4. - Engineers do it to specification.

3. - According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite.

2. - We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.

1. - WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE!