posted 12-10-2004 08:17 AM         

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must not be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise as soon as she walked in the door and asked "What the hell is that?" My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." Who would play with something like that?" she snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept silent. Where are her clothes?" she continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but it was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. She lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

posted 12-10-2004 08:34 AM         

"I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination."

posted 12-10-2004 08:45 AM         

...Just last week I had to take "Hot Helen" in for her 3K mile service check....

posted 12-10-2004 04:35 PM         

quote:

---

Originally posted by ALLEY CAT:
Great story Bob,

"I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination."

That is the same model that idive and tangled up in blue own

---