posted 11-25-2001 07:13 PM         

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

AND WHAT WAS PLAN "B"??

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different AUTOMATED teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank acount.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOSN'T PAY!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

HOW TO ROB A STORE!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was to small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours ... until the police showed up and grabbed him.

DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??

In Ohio, an unidentified may in his late 20's walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protuding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

DID I SAY THAT ???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words .."Give me all your money of I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

OOHH THAT SMARTS !!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. Seems the robber stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

ARE WE COMMUNICATING

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

NOT YOUR BRIGHTEST BANK ROBBER

In Modesto, Ca., Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

THE LAWN!

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department of the local hospital when a female punk rocker entered. The young punk rocker had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operation table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass." After prep and surgery, the surgeon placed a note in the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

A MUGGER

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money" he demanded. Indignant, the affulent man replied, "You can't do this..I'm a United States Congrressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "Give me MY money!"