posted 04-18-2001 08:08 PM         

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

posted 04-18-2001 09:42 PM         

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Larry Salzman
Call 911 - there is a Prowler in my garage....